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Monday, September 3, 2012

Dear Jennifer, Where Are the Good Men?

Dear Jennifer,

Friday night, my friends and I sat around moaning about the lack of available boyfriends.  I mean, well, there are men out there.  But let's be real - most of them either want arm candy that smiles a lot but doesn't speak or a sugar mama to pay for their things.  Either way, tantric sex is required or he makes you feel guilty about it.  

My question is, do men change as they get older?  We were thinking that maybe older vampire men might make better boyfriends.  But if I'm going to have sex with a corpse, I want to know that the rest of the time will be different.

Wanting A Serious Boyfriend

Dear Wanting,

Well, sugar, I'm not sure where to start.  As I read your email, I realize that while computers and other technology might change our day to day life, people are still the same.  I guess I'll answer your question first. Sometimes men change as they grow older; it all depends on the man and his life.  But I don't think your problem is the men you know.

Hon, I think the problem is you.

From your email, it sounds like you don't like yourself.  You see yourself as valuable only for your looks or your money, right?  If you only value yourself for those things, that might explain why the men you know only value you for them.  And I'm not sure you know what "tantric" means, but you sound like you dislike sex.  Is that because you like women, or because you don't know how to enjoy yourself?

Either way, most vampires I know wouldn't go near you, because we like sex and dislike being with someone who feel "obliged" to perform, if you know what I mean.

Bottom line - get help.  Learn to love yourself and value yourself.  The rest will fall in place after that.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Verity of Vampire, Part 3

Greetings, my fellow historians and mythologists!  I hope that you find these stories as entertaining as I do, for I enjoy recounting the various legends as to the beginning of vampires.  There are several more Christian based stories, crediting Job or Lazarus of Bethany as being the first vampire  - the former as a reward from God for surviving his trials and the latter as the means with which Jesus raises him from the dead - or crediting Noah and his family as accidentally becoming vampires, having only blood as sustenance for 40 days and 40 nights.  Yet, I feel that several of these stories reflect wishful thinking from various members of the homo lamia segment of society, for those who transformed after the  prolific propagation of Christianity retained the need to identify themselves as "Christian" in spite of their altered circumstances.  In truth, vampires roamed around before either Lazarus of Bethany or even Noah, at least as far as I have been able to determine through timelines and verbal histories.

But that is neither here nor there, but now we move on to India, and the story of Kali.

Kali, consort of Shiva, is a Hindu goddess of shakti, or sacred empowerment.  Her name means "the black one" and many associate her with death and destruction.  While Kali in her many forms emerges as a dominate figure in Hindu mythology, today I will relate one of her most famous legends, in which Kali fights with the Asura, or demon, named Raktavija.  

One day, Durga, the Hindu Mother Goddess, attempted to kill the demon Raktavija by wrapping his body in chains and weapons.  But Durga did not know that for each drop of blood spilt by the demon, a new copy of Raktavija sprang up from the ground, attacking Durga and her minions.  Finally, Durga called upon Kali, who began to attack Raktavija by drinking up all of his blood while gorging on the copies.

Nearby villagers watched as Kali defeated the demon, happy to be rid of the evil that plagued their lives for as long as their collective memory.  To honor Kali and her victory, the villagers began to drink blood.  When Kali learned of their accolades to her, she bestowed upon the villagers some of her shakti, creating the first vampires.

Next week, we will cover current thinking in science about the origin of vampires.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Christy's Musings: The Legend of the Fairies

Well, much to my surprise I received an email this week asking me if fairies are real.  I assume from my previous posts that you know fairies exist, but Curious asked for more information. So here we go.

Fairies, in terms of cute little creatures that resemble beautiful men and women with gauzy wings - they are from the imaginations of deluded, psychotic, or drunk people.

And cartoon illustrators.

Real fairies began in what you call Europe.  Long ago, magic and magic users called mages roamed the lands.  The common folk welcomed mages as visitors, because some plagues and vermin could only be gotten rid of through magical means.  But no one wanted the mages to live in their particular village, because people feared that the mage would try and control the villagers.

On a tangent, these fears were justified, as many a village perished when the resident mage tried to enforce his or her will.  Plus, mage battles did nothing to help the crops or livestock, outside of a few interesting mutations.

Now, where was I... ah, yes, mages.

So the typical mage traveled around the countryside, eating and sleeping outdoors most of the time, coming into taverns occasionally, a public bath house rarely, and ordinary homes never.

One of the more well-known mages was a young woman named Hekateros.  Hekateros loved living in the city where she grew up but she also loved living in nature.  She loved helping others but she also hated much about humanity.  She adored wild animals but despised all forms of domesticated animal.  Her dual nature made her a bit temperamental.  One day, she would help a farmer with a sick herd of cows, but the next she would curse chickens to only lay spotted eggs (and no one would either eat or buy a spotted egg).

As her reputation for such extremes grew, so did the villagers' fear of her, until fear turned to intolerance.  Soon, villagers shuttered their windows and closed their doors when they heard rumors of her approach.  Farmers set their dogs or pigs on her, and even the minstrels walked through swamp and quicksand to avoid her path.

Hekateros grew lonely at first, then angry that so many people shunned her.  She quarreled with herself about the shunning, waffling between sorrowful acceptance and choleric rejection.  Finally, in a fit of insanity, she prayed to the great Goddess, asking for a curse to loose upon the villages as vengeance for their treatment of her.

The Great Goddess appeared before her.  "Hekateros, child, why do you call on me?"

"I am shunned by the villagers and farmers.  They shutter their windows, close their doors, and send dogs and pigs after me, to drive me away."

"Ah, but do you know why they do such things?"

Hekateros paused.  "Because sometimes I bless them and heal their animals or crops.  But at other times I curse them, plaguing their lands."

The Great Goddess gazed at Hekateros for a long time, until the lady could stand it no longer.  "Please, Great Goddess, I wish vengeance on them.  I need power to get them all, so that I may have peace."

"My daughter," sighed the Goddess, "you are lost."

"What?"

"Two spirits inhabit your body," the Goddess explained.  "They were not there at your birth, but your dual behavior created a break in your spirit.  Now, two spirits inhabit your body, one that does good deeds and one that does evil deeds."

As she heard the words, Hekateros felt her body change,  She had two faces instead of one, two faces that looked the same except for the expression.

"These two spirits cause your discord, Hekateros, not the villagers.  Since you petition me for peace, I will give you peace."

Hekateros felt herself split in two, all of her darkness pouring into one body while all of her light poured into the other.  She looked at herself, each half wondering how she ever lived with the other half.

"Now," continued the Great Goddess, "Hekateros is no more. Instead, you are now Arevik and Lusine, the sun and moon.  Go forth, and prosper as you should."

The two half-women left, and went forth into the world.  They each managed to procreate several times, each birth producing three or four offspring that looked almost human.

So began the races of the Light and Dark Fairies.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Dear Jennifer - Help, My Parents are Insane!!

Dear Jennifer,

Help!  My parents are always around me, telling me what to talk about, talking to my friends, and hanging out with me wherever I go.  I can't even go to the bathroom without my Mom yelling up, asking me if I finally started my period.

When vampires first came out, I thought my parents were kinda cool, because they didn't freak out like my friends' parents.  But then they told me that they want to become vampires so that they can turn me into a vampire.  I don't want to be twelve forever!! 

Please, Jennifer, help me!!!

Signed,
Terrified of Twelve

Dear Terrified,

Sugar, I'm fixin' to you that you don't need to worry.  We vampires don't turn kids into vampires because getting old while staying a child just messes with your head.  Generally speaking, we use local guidelines about adulthood as the minimum age limit.  So here, you need to be eighteen before anyone would change you over.

As for your parents, they sound like they need the help, not you, serious psychiatric help.  I suggest you speak with your school counselor or some other trusted adult about how to handle your parents' behavior.  Or, if you want, I can come over and speak with them about the vampire part.  Cause, hon, no one will turn them in their current mental state.

Good luck, and let me know how things turn out.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Christy's Musings: We're Here!

Relocation Specialist by Steve Frenkel
Greetings, fellow humans!

No, I am not really that cheery, but I was told in no uncertain terms to make everyone feel welcome here.  Not that the "here" part of here matters since I am not actually in your computer and you are not in my computer monitor.  But I assume you understand anyway.

At least I hope you do.

I must admit, moving from one website to another was rather anti-climatic considering the trouble and headaches we endured this week.  I still sit at my computer and I still write things in my here that magically appear in your here.

Yes, yes, I hear you now.  "But Christy, it's not magic.  It's science."

Whatever.

I only care because I know of real magic, and the users of real magic would do more than shake their heads at me if I didn't care.

Some idio... I mean a very nice young lady wrote a questions to Jennifer about vampire parents?  I try hard not to know what Jennifer is doing, but I know she will have a new post for you on Monday.  Gregory is beside himself in happiness; apparently someone liked his post on the origins of vampires so now he is scouring the legends for more stories.  Sarah, well, Sarah is just being Sarah, and I never question someone like her.

As for me, I received a question about fairies.  I will tell you more next Tuesday.

Until then, try not to die.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

We're Moving, But It's Complicated...


Due to the...um... unfortunate accident involving Gregory and Lulu, relations between the vampire community and the shapeshifters has grown rather tense?  Strained?

What rubbish!  The truth is those furballs want recompense for the "accident" even though Lulu participated of her own free will.  I mean, she actually recorded her permission.  But does that matter?

Apparently not.

Lulu says she changed her mind, that she did not mean to record her participation, that she is an innocent victim, a victim of circumstances, a young pup caught up trying to impress the older man...

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks"

So now those upstarts want payment in terms of our website.  Or name domain. You are el?
Ye gods!  My head hurts merely thinking about the situation.

So instead of being here, in this piece of non-existent space, The Vampire Handbook will move to a new, non-existent place that is not a real cloud in the actual sky.  Lucky for us, the fairies owe us a favor or three.  They created this new place, vampire.wegrok.net, where you will find The Vampire Handbook starting on Friday, August 24.

Though it might be there now.  According to Jennifer, all the older entries have been moved over.  At exactly midnight tonight, the werewolves take over.  I have no idea what will happen here, other than they agreed to leave up the "We're leaving" message for a minimum of 60 days.  After that, who knows what the furballs will do.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The Verity of Vampires, Part 2

Greetings!  Let us continue with the various stories about how vampire came to be.

The third story comes the story of Lucifer.  After Lucifer tricked Eve, God grew angry with Lucifer. A war among the angelic hordes broke out, and though Lucifer was a mighty archangel, he lost.  God struck down Lucifer and his followers, creating a place of desolation for them to spend eternity.

Lucifer vowed revenge, so he took up soil and created his own version of man.  It looked, walked, and talked exactly like Adam, but Lucifer could not bring life to his creation, because only God could create life.

So Lucifer went around God and gave his creation the ability to steal life from Adam, Eve, and the other humans.  Lucifer's creation drank blood, because blood is the life.

When God saw this abomination, he raised his hand to strike it down, but Gabriel intervened.

"Father," Gabriel pleaded, "this creature knows not good nor evil.  It only does what it needs to do in order to survive."

God saw the truth in Gabriel's words, so instead of striking down Lucifer's creation, God enhanced the being.  Now, it could create its own family from humans who wished to join it.  The creation also received a name, though that name is lost in time.  And God told the creation that he could come to Heaven after his death.

Lucifer raged at God's mercy, and tried to kill his own creation.  But God prevented Lucifer from taking his revenge, giving Lucifer's creation enough power to survive on his own for all eternity.