Tuesday, February 16, 2021

Dear Jennifer: My Parents Don't Let Me Have any Privacy

 Dear Jennifer,

Have parents always been so controlling?  My mom and dad don't let me have any privacy.  They go through my phone, my messages, my emails, whenever they want.  Some weeks it's every day.  One time, they woke me up at 2am to search my phone.

I hate feeling like this, like I am worthless.  What do I do?

- Sneaking to the Library to Send this

Dear Sneaking,

I am so sorry that your parents are treating you as untrustworthy. No, parents have not always been that way, though times were very different when I grew up. My parents were merchants in a large town. I worked in their store, restocking shelves and running the register, from a rather young age. Back then, everyone needed to help out and kids were trusted to handle themselves because they had to.

I think you need to speak with a school counselor about your situation, because your parents are not letting you set reasonable boundaries for yourself. This means that you have no practice in setting boundaries, a situation that usually ends badly for the person in your shoes.

Even if the school counselor can't help with your parents, they should be able to help you learn the skills necessary for setting boundaries with other people in your life. 


Thursday, January 14, 2021

Dear Sarah: A New Advice Column for Vampires

Greetings, Readers! My name is Sarah, and I am starting a new advice column for vampires and other supernatural people. Why, you ask? Because Dear Jennifer started receiving a lot of email from vampires and we decided to separate out the mail into normal human and supernatural human space.

Dear Sarah,

I was approached yesterday by two rather burly human young men, asking me if I needed henchmen. Henchmen? I mean, do people really use henchmen?

Anyway, I am an accountant, so I do not really need henchmen or... whatever.  I told them I was not interested, but they seem to think that they need to prove themselves to me.  

Help! How do I convince them to leave me alone?  And how do I explain that no one really needs henchmen?

- Confused in Chicago

Dear Confused,

Well, this is a new one for me.  Henchmen?  Really?? I suppose if you are an evil overlord, you might need henchmen. But an accountant? Not so much.

Have you thought about showing them why you don't need their protection? A little demonstration might go a long way.

Monday, January 11, 2021

Dear Jennifer: I Want to be a Vampire


Dear Jennifer,

I want to become a vampire. What do I need to do?

- Vampire in Waiting

Dear VIW,

I enjoy simple and direct questions.  And I applaud your honest in your request. But I do have a question - why do you want to be a vampire?

Do you think that being a vampire will make you better?  Smarter? Stronger? 

Do you think that being a vampire will solve your problems?

Becoming a vampire is not for everyone.  In general, you still have whatever problems you had before.  Yes, you might become stronger in terms of human strength, but there is a hierarchy of strength in the vampire community.  And I can assure you that you will not be in the top of that hierarchy for decades. 

I am not asking these questions just to hear myself, by the way.  When a person applies to become a vampire, the interviewer asks these questions, plus a whole lot more.  If you can't answer them for me, then I strongly suggest that you don't apply until you can answer them.  There is a rule that says a human may only apply once to become a vampire.  If the person does not pass the interview (or any of the other mandatory steps), then they will never be turned into a vampire.  Period.

Sunday, January 10, 2021

WANTED: Biologists and Geneticists (Brolley Labs)

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  • unlimited vacation time
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Brolley Labs - Protecting You from Life's Little Mishaps

Equal Employment Opportunity

Brolley Labs is an equal opportunity employer. We will extend equal opportunity to all individuals without regard to race, religion, color, sex, pregnancy, childbirth or related medical conditions, sexual orientation, gender identity, national origin, disability, age, genetic information, marital status, veteran status, or any other status protected under applicable federal, state, or local laws. This policy applies to all terms and conditions of employment, including but not limited to, hiring, placement, promotion, termination, layoff, recall, transfer, leaves of absence, benefits, compensation and training. If you require an accommodation to work based on any of these protected factors, please notify the Human Resources Department, and we will evaluate the request and provide an accommodation in accordance with applicable law.

We seek to comply with all applicable federal, state and local laws related to discrimination and will not tolerate the interference with the ability of any of our employees to perform their job duties. Our policy reflects and affirms Brolley Lab's commitment to the principles of fair employment and the elimination of all discriminatory practices.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Dear Jennifer, Where Are the Good Men?

Dear Jennifer,

Friday night, my friends and I sat around moaning about the lack of available boyfriends.  I mean, well, there are men out there.  But let's be real - most of them either want arm candy that smiles a lot but doesn't speak or a sugar mama to pay for their things.  Either way, tantric sex is required or he makes you feel guilty about it.  

My question is, do men change as they get older?  We were thinking that maybe older vampire men might make better boyfriends.  But if I'm going to have sex with a corpse, I want to know that the rest of the time will be different.

Wanting A Serious Boyfriend

Dear Wanting,

Well, sugar, I'm not sure where to start.  As I read your email, I realize that while computers and other technology might change our day to day life, people are still the same.  I guess I'll answer your question first. Sometimes men change as they grow older; it all depends on the man and his life.  But I don't think your problem is the men you know.

Hon, I think the problem is you.

From your email, it sounds like you don't like yourself.  You see yourself as valuable only for your looks or your money, right?  If you only value yourself for those things, that might explain why the men you know only value you for them.  And I'm not sure you know what "tantric" means, but you sound like you dislike sex.  Is that because you like women, or because you don't know how to enjoy yourself?

Either way, most vampires I know wouldn't go near you, because we like sex and dislike being with someone who feel "obliged" to perform, if you know what I mean.

Bottom line - get help.  Learn to love yourself and value yourself.  The rest will fall in place after that.