Dear Jennifer: My Parents Don't Let Me Have any Privacy

 Dear Jennifer,

Have parents always been so controlling?  My mom and dad don't let me have any privacy.  They go through my phone, my messages, my emails, whenever they want.  Some weeks it's every day.  One time, they woke me up at 2am to search my phone.

I hate feeling like this, like I am worthless.  What do I do?

- Sneaking to the Library to Send this

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Dear Sneaking,

I am so sorry that your parents are treating you as untrustworthy. No, parents have not always been that way, though times were very different when I grew up. My parents were merchants in a large town. I worked in their store, restocking shelves and running the register, from a rather young age. Back then, everyone needed to help out and kids were trusted to handle themselves because they had to.

I think you need to speak with a school counselor about your situation, because your parents are not letting you set reasonable boundaries for yourself. This means that you have no practice in setting boundaries, a situation that usually ends badly for the person in your shoes.

Even if the school counselor can't help with your parents, they should be able to help you learn the skills necessary for setting boundaries with other people in your life. 

Jennifer

Dear Sarah: A New Advice Column for Vampires

Greetings, Readers! My name is Sarah, and I am starting a new advice column for vampires and other supernatural people. Why, you ask? Because Dear Jennifer started receiving a lot of email from vampires and we decided to separate out the mail into normal human and supernatural human space.

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Dear Sarah,

I was approached yesterday by two rather burly human young men, asking me if I needed henchmen. Henchmen? I mean, do people really use henchmen?

Anyway, I am an accountant, so I do not really need henchmen or... whatever.  I told them I was not interested, but they seem to think that they need to prove themselves to me.  

Help! How do I convince them to leave me alone?  And how do I explain that no one really needs henchmen?

- Confused in Chicago

Dear Confused,

Well, this is a new one for me.  Henchmen?  Really?? I suppose if you are an evil overlord, you might need henchmen. But an accountant? Not so much.

Have you thought about showing them why you don't need their protection? A little demonstration might go a long way.

Dear Jennifer, Where Are the Good Men?

Dear Jennifer,

Friday night, my friends and I sat around moaning about the lack of available boyfriends.  I mean, well, there are men out there.  But let's be real - most of them either want arm candy that smiles a lot but doesn't speak or a sugar mama to pay for their things.  Either way, tantric sex is required or he makes you feel guilty about it.  

My question is, do men change as they get older?  We were thinking that maybe older vampire men might make better boyfriends.  But if I'm going to have sex with a corpse, I want to know that the rest of the time will be different.

Wanting A Serious Boyfriend

Dear Wanting,

Well, sugar, I'm not sure where to start.  As I read your email, I realize that while computers and other technology might change our day to day life, people are still the same.  I guess I'll answer your question first. Sometimes men change as they grow older; it all depends on the man and his life.  But I don't think your problem is the men you know.

Hon, I think the problem is you.

From your email, it sounds like you don't like yourself.  You see yourself as valuable only for your looks or your money, right?  If you only value yourself for those things, that might explain why the men you know only value you for them.  And I'm not sure you know what "tantric" means, but you sound like you dislike sex.  Is that because you like women, or because you don't know how to enjoy yourself?

Either way, most vampires I know wouldn't go near you, because we like sex and dislike being with someone who feel "obliged" to perform, if you know what I mean.

Bottom line - get help.  Learn to love yourself and value yourself.  The rest will fall in place after that.

Dear Jennifer - Help, My Parents are Insane!!

Dear Jennifer,

Help!  My parents are always around me, telling me what to talk about, talking to my friends, and hanging out with me wherever I go.  I can't even go to the bathroom without my Mom yelling up, asking me if I finally started my period.

When vampires first came out, I thought my parents were kinda cool, because they didn't freak out like my friends' parents.  But then they told me that they want to become vampires so that they can turn me into a vampire.  I don't want to be twelve forever!! 

Please, Jennifer, help me!!!

Signed,

Terrified of Twelve

Dear Terrified,

Sugar, I'm fixin' to you that you don't need to worry.  We vampires don't turn kids into vampires because getting old while staying a child just messes with your head.  Generally speaking, we use local guidelines about adulthood as the minimum age limit.  So here, you need to be eighteen before anyone would change you over.

As for your parents, they sound like they need the help, not you, serious psychiatric help.  I suggest you speak with your school counselor or some other trusted adult about how to handle your parents' behavior.  Or, if you want, I can come over and speak with them about the vampire part.  Cause, hon, no one will turn them in their current mental state.

Good luck, and let me know how things turn out.

Dear Jennifer: Do Vampires Get Married?

Dear Jennifer,

I was talking to my friends, and we were wondering if vampires ever got married.

Teen Wonders

Dear Teen Wonders,

Simple answer:  Why yes, yes we do.

Complex answer: Because vampires live a much longer life than humans, we have a varying definition of marriage.  Sometimes, we create contracts that define how long a marriage will last, how all assets will be combined in the beginning, how all assets will be divided at the end, and what activities are allowed during the marriage.  The standard terms are 10 years, 25 years, 50 years, 75 years, and 100 years.  Anything over 100 years gets a different type of contract.

When a vampire marries a human, the general assumption is that the vampire will abide by the current human definition of marriage, with the exception of the "til death do you part", since the vampire will not die.  If the vampire decides to change his or her mate into a vampire, there are even more rules and regulations that must be followed to ensure that the new vampire does not end up a slave.

Generally speaking, vampires do not marry each other for the rest of their lives.  There is a special ceremony for that, but you need to be prepared to stick with one and only one person.  Because we never, ever divorce.

Greetings From Gregory

Hello, my name is Gregory.

Actually, you may call me "Gregory", but that is not my name.  Vampires like to change names every few hundred years.  A new name helps us to adjust to the times.  Of course, as fast as things change these days, I almost feel like I need a new name every other month.

Let me clarify this a bit - vampires change their human names every few hundred years.  But we all have a vampiric name, that we use when we are around other vampires.  For the record, it is most impolite to ask a vampire for their vampiric name.  And we vampires are sticklers when it comes to manners.

I know that sounds rather strange, but we have to live with one another, so to speak, for decades to centuries.  Following a strict code of manners helps us avoid certain, shall we call them pitfalls?  Bad feelings generated when one feels as though you are not giving them enough respect.  Manners avoid these situations, and help keep misunderstandings to a minimum.

That brings me to the point of my greeting.  Once a week, I will answer any questions you have about vampires and vampirism.

Want to know about our culture?  Please ask.

Our history?  Well, you can ask, but I am only going to answer what I personally know as fact.

Dating?  I won't touch that subject with a ten foot pole.  Ask Jennifer about dating.

My contact information is on the right side of the screen.  Feel free to click and ask.

I look forward to hearing from you.